DEAR DEIDRE: When my wife died I was devastated and was planning to plant a memorial garden to help me remember all the happy times we had.
Instead, I’m in the middle of a wild-goose chase, trying to find out if they cheated on me.
I am 60 and my wife was 59 when she died suddenly in January, after we had been together for 43 years.
About a week after her passing, I put a post on Facebook to let our extended friends and family know.
People’s comments were lovely, many sharing favorite memories of her. A few days later, my cousin texted me.
We had lost touch so I was surprised to see his name.
At the end of his message, he wrote: “I’m sorry for your loss. But at least you don’t have to worry about her wandering eye more!”
What was he talking about?
I wanted to discuss it in person, so I organized a lunch to catch up.
He told me that 20 years ago, my wife became “close” to his brother, while she organized my 40th.
He had made that Facebook comment because she had said she would tell me, and he thought that was why the three of us had stopped talking.
I didn’t want to believe him, but looking back there were signs that it could be true.
We went through a rough patch about 20 years ago, argued a lot and hadn’t been intimate for months.
And there was a strange weekend away with “old school friends”.
Every problem gets a personal answer, usually within 24 working hours.
So I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to track down these friends to ask if this girls weekend really happened.
It’s terrible to think that the love of my life has been lying to me for years.
DEIDRE says: Losing your partner is hard enough, even without damaging secrets coming out of the woodwork.
I can understand how desperate you are to know the truth, but you need to consider if you ever really want to.
Be sure your memories are valid. Even if she cheated, in the end she chose to stay with you and your happy memories are yours – no one can take them away.
People make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that all the other beautiful and positive aspects of their characters aren’t real.
Instead, try to focus on the good times you had together. Maybe start writing down your favorite memories to look back on.
Talk to a counselor, who will help you deal with your grief and your nephew’s accusations.
I am also sending you my Coping With Bereavement support pack to help.
#late #wife #cheat #lie #years #Sinne